My Secret life

'Shh'  It's a secret!. There is an innate desire within us to know some secrets, they titillate our senses and  appeal to us in different ways. Secrets are two edged, some we want to keep hidden and others we desire to know because of some benefit to us. In the early 90's, I had the grace to experience the two types earlier mentioned.

By His grace and mercies, I gave my life to God at a young age and was involved in Christian service  in different ways and capacities. By 1994, I viewed myself  a matured Christian, but God took me on an unexpected journey that rocked my world and faith in God. This journey started in March, 1994 when one night, I had a dream in which someone announced the death of a friend to me, this announcement terrified me as I was extremely close to this person. I woke up immediately, trembling and began praying, rebuking death and asking for God's mercy, as at that point I knew God speaks to me through dreams. After praying for a while, I felt God has answered me because the story of how Abraham interceded for Lot and how he was spared from the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah came to mind.

Let me tell you about my friend. We were childhood friends who lived across the road from each other, we played, studied together and kept each other confidences growing up. He, 'yes a he' grew to be an amazing young man, quite tall and good looking, he loved playing the trumpet and was active in his church choir. We were so close, family members  tease us that we were befriending each other, but it was a very innocent relationship until we both finished our Secondary education and I was about entering University(College) when he then asked me to be his girlfriend. I was quite happy as I had grown to love him  but I asked him to give me sometime to think on it. It was in this waiting period, I had that dream and began looking for him so that we could pray together, but he was away at school and each time he was home, I was not available till a few days to Easter when my world turned upside down.

He accompanied a friend and his brother to another State,  this brother was traveling out to the United States from Lagos International Airport. Close to the end of their trip, their car crashed and my friend was the one with the most severe injury, his spinal cord was broken and also suffered some internal injuries.  He eventually passed away. When the news was broken to me, I was so devastated and grief overwhelmed me that I could not sleep nor eat, the question that tormented my mind was "Why? God !", I felt betrayed by God and could not understand why the dream I had prayed about and interceded on still came to pass. For many weeks I sought for answers but none was forthcoming and thus began the process of my drifting away from God, it was not a conscious decision but I, was not able to connect with God because of my bitterness towards him. Outwardly, all seemed alright as I was still participating in church activities, it all became religion for me ,no longer a relationship with God.

My secret life started in 1995, when a fellow room mate cajoled me to start a relationship with the friend of her boyfriend. She was not a Christian and was one of the party girls well known on the  Campus while I was a backsliding Christian who was ready to explore the world. Despite this,  I was not ready to totally abandon my Christian faith so meetings with my boyfriend was usually under cover of darkness on none fellowship days. The relationship grew up to the point in which I was comfortable to pay him visits at his home off campus. For a few months, there was no sexual pressure as I had informed him I was keeping my purity for marriage but he eventually began to mount pressure little by little, weakening my defenses. During this period, God placed a missionary in my life from Great Commission Movement of Nigeria (GCMN) a.k.a Campus Crusade for Christ, she visits the hostels sharing the gospel. Hence, the battle for my soul began as each time she meets with me she says " am praying for you ". She did not know what I was doing in secret but God knew and placed her in my life. The voice of my conscience (Holy Spirit) became loud , though I felt so much confused and weary of the deceptive life I was living, 'I DID NOTHING.'

One day, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, I decided to go visit my boyfriend, on getting there, he asked me to cook a meal for him which I did. After cooking the meal, he tricked me into going into his bedroom, followed me and attempted to force me to bed. I became scared and struggled to escape, though I was silent in my struggles to escape, my mind was screaming 'Jesus save me'. All of a sudden, I became free, ran out of the room, got my bag and ran out of the house. It was my breaking point and God used that incident to give me courage to dissolve the relationship. My heart was broken {in respect of the fact that I was disappointed in myself, my defenses crumbled and I cried out to God to save me anew. The following Tuesday or so, Aunty Y came visiting and I was able to open my heart to God fully. I rededicated my life to God and became involved with the student ministry of GCMN.

My question as to why my friend died was not answered, but God filled my heart with peace and acceptance that God still loves me, He answers prayers and has good plans for me. That no matter the troubles I face, He is right beside me and that good can come out of sorrow. A lot of changes took place in my friends family which am not at liberty to disclose, but something good came about for me as I got to experience God in a greater dimension and have a better understanding of who He is. About a year later, the room mate that led me down the slippery hill, gave her life to Christ, it might have been as a result of the turnaround in my life or not, I don't know but Good did came about.



Am sharing this testimony in memory of my good friend Tunde Balogun and what God used his death to accomplish in my life. I leave you with the lyrics of one of favorite hymns below:

 God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he brings;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

And then one day, I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!